List of Lists

it's been a while since my last post and i really don't know if it's the lack of inspiration or just the fact that i've become even more lazy that i really haven't bothered blogging more often. i'm sure my one reader missed me. but hey i'm back (for now)

so i was looking online for some topics this time around not using some random topic generator coz the last time around that worked REALLY well. so i found that the most popular topic was lists. people like lists, top 20's, thing to do etc. so i think i'm duty bound to post a list (i have done this unwittingly earlier). the question than comes as to what list to really put down. i think everybody needs a list of things that they want to do in their lifetime, not really a bucket list but still a list of goals. so here's mine:

1. Watch a formula 1 race at Monza
2. Start a restaurant that serves good simple food and plays as equally importantly good music (my definition of good music)
3. See as much of the world as possible but top 3 would be
1. Rome
2. Paris
3. Sydney
4. Own a luxury automobile 
5. See Bob Dylan perform Live (better get on this first)

the list seems quite short, but i think these are things that seem most important to me at this moment in time. but i guess these things will change in order or priority, but i'm sure that i wouldn't want to change any of this.

i think ever person should really have a top 5, david letterman does a top 10 every night, i don't think it's too difficult for everyone of us to do a top 5. 

Dear Sachin Tendulkar

I'll probably get killed for this...but here goes.

this is an open letter to statistically the best batsman in the modern game.

HI Sachin

i guess i can call you that, the whole world seems to. after the world cup everybody thought finally the average age of the indian cricket team would drop coz the grandfather in the dressing room would retire. but you being your selfish self did not. it did not really take me by surprise really coz you being you wanted to score that 100th 100. statistically important for you, but insignificant for the team. so lets see what you've done since the world cup.

india went to england as favorites after a successful tour of west indies (for which you were too tired after the IPL). and then disaster struck, everyone waited for that god damn century of yours to happen. a lot of people like me did not want to you get the century coz that would mean we would loose the match. but then again majority wins so people waited, you team waited and still nothing, i don't know if you just weren't in the mood or if you were just really out of form. what ever the case we lost 4-0 in the tests. the lone indian who saved face Rahul Dravid, long time team mate and in my opinion a much better player than you. Lets not look at one day cricket right now. lets do tests. i came across this very interesting article on the bleecher report and i'm just copy pasting it.

1. In 286 Test innings, Dravid played 31,258 balls. More than anyone else, ever. 
2. He scored runs in tough batting conditions and in overseas Tests that led to wins abroad, a phenomenon that till then had been pretty rare in Indian cricket. 
3. India won 15 Tests abroad during Dravid's career (excluding matches in Bangladesh and Zimbabwe). In those games he scored 1,577 runs at 65.70—both aggregate and average is higher than Tendulkar's.
4. In all, eight of his 11 Man-of-the-Match awards came in overseas Tests, and five in overseas wins, including unforgettable performances at Headingley (2002), Adelaide (2003), Rawalpindi (2004) and Kingston (2006). Tendulkar won only five of his 14 Man-of-the-Match awards overseas, and only one in a win (excluding Bangladesh). In fact, no Indian has won as many match awards overseas as Dravid has.
5.  Dravid also scored mountains of runs in drawn tests overseas, averaging more than 75 in those matches, with 10 centuries in 32 Tests.
6. Two times he scored a century in each inning of a Test. In fact, he is one of only three Indians to achieve this feat—Sunil Gavaskar and Vijay Hazare are the others.
7. He is the only batsman at the moment to have scored more than 10,000 runs at No. 3
8. On an average, he played 123 balls per dismissal, with only Kallis higher at 125 balls for players who have played min 10,000 balls
9. When Dravid was at the crease, the team scored 32,039 runs. Given that the entire Indian team scored 89,668 runs, it means 35.6 percent of the total runs that India made in Tests involving Dravid were scored with him at the crease. The corresponding percentage for Tendulkar is 29.9, and 32.6 for Kallis. It is also the highest partnership runs scored by any batsman ever.
10. Dravid is also the only batsman to be involved in more than 700 partnerships. No other batsman has even touched 650 so far.
11. Dravid has also been involved in more century stands than any other batsman—88.
12. Dravid is also the only batsman to have 10 or more century stands with four others; no one else has even managed three. 
13. He has the most Test Match catches—210—a world record, and was a great fielder at first short leg, and then slip.
14. Saurav Ganguly’s is regarded as India’s best captain with 21 Test wins. In these 21 matches, Dravid has piled up an astonishing 2,571 runs at a record average of 102.84. These 21 matches had nine hundreds (including three double-hundreds).
15. Dravid was at the other end when Laxman became the highest Indian scorer in 2001 when he scored 280 (a 376 run-partnership) in Kolkata, was at the other end when Sehwag and Dravid were involved in a 410 run-partnership in Lahore in 2006, was at the other end when Sehwag bettered his own record and scored 319 runs against South Africa (268 run-partnership), and he was also at the other end when Sehwag scored 293 runs against SL in 2009 (a 237 run-partnership). It is not a mere coincidence that the top four of five scores by Indian batsmen have come when Rahul Dravid was at the other end.

P.S. He also scored 10,000-plus runs in ODIs. But let's not go there. so why are you still playing the game?? get out

from not a fan

rohit

things everyone should try and do in mumbai

I"ve seen atleast 3 posts on facebook, twitter etc etc about 10 things not to do in bombay written by people who probably wrote it coz they heard about it. well i'm no authority on bombay but i did live there for sufficiently long (in my opinion at least) to come up with a list of things that you have to do in bombay, it doesn't matter if u'r a college student living on whatever scraps your parents are giving you as 'pocket money' or if you work and are earning big bucks.

1. Sit on marine drive in pouring rain- you could get washeed away by a wave but hey thats a risk that you should be willing to take.
2. Go on a horse carriage ride from gateway of india all the way down marine drive and back in the night, it's gud fun esp if your a lil drunk
3. Drive a taxi even if it is just for a few meters beg the cabbie he'll let you drive it
4. Eat a meal from bagdadi: this place redefines value for money, anyone who's gone there will know what i'm talking about. also try and spit at the people eating in bade miya's coz they think they are better than you coz they are paying more for crap. (read burrp.com reviews for both places)
5. At any street dosa shop have something called a mysore masala - brilliant, i don't know what goes into it but it's really something.
6. Have green chilli ice cream at bachelors, while you're there try out the strawberries n cream and the mango's n cream during season. 
7. Get into a train form VT or Churchgate going to the last stop on the line and sit in it all the way to the end and back. it's actually nice to see the whole world rushing by you when u'r probably just doing this coz your hostel just got fumigated by the pest control people and you can't stand the smell
8. Score from babulnath- scariest shite i've seen
9. Eat the caramel custard at cafe metro
10. Shout 'tsunami' at the couples making out in bandstand (i hear ppl get swept away by waves, not tsunami's just regular good ol fashioned tides)
11. Go to powai just to see how far it is from the actual bombay :P
12. Argue with a person living in thane or navi mumbai about how they are not actually from mumbai
13. Go second hand book shopping at churchgate
14. Go to chor bazzar even if it's not to buy anything just go there to see how junk can look organized
15. Eat iftaar food at mohammed ali road
16. Drive past salman khan's house and give his fans the finger
17. Go on the bandra worli sea link
18. Eat chaat at Elco's on hill road
19. spend every saturday night at Hawain shack (only ground floor)
20. eat goan fish curry and rice at soul fry
21. go to totos - and say hi to rithika and sitanshu :-)
22. sit on the first row in Regal and watch a movie

Also here's a list of things NOT to do in mumbai

1. ask the cab driver for one rupee change (lolu, that one's for you)
2. get into a bus early in the morning and hand the conductor a 500 rupee note for a 7 rupee ticket
3. try getting out of VT at 5 pm
4. try getting into VT at 9 am
5. leave a bag in the middle of the junction in VT or Fountain and start running
6. abuse people in malayam assuming that they don't speak the language (mallu's are everywhere man)
7. go to pheonix mills on a sunday evening
8. get out at dadar station to switch trains
9. go to mumbai central in the rain's (there's shit floating around)
10. call the bean bag numbers ;-)

World Cup Preview

So the cricket world cup is underway. it seems more like a media event than a sporting one but who can blame them, in these days of scams and revolutions nothing is better than watching a sport where the results are almost unpredictable (there are exceptions). i know i'm a week too late to write this preview but hey you'll probably be reading this post the world cup so it makes no difference. so what are each teams chances in this world cup? well after no research and thanks to the 48 hour bandh in hyderabad (JAI TELENGANA) i have a lot of free time to come up with this crap.

1. Australia: three time defending champions and a team seemingly on a mission (so is everybody). you can never write them off but trust me this time they are not winning the world cup. i don't care what the pundits say but australia will NOT win the cup this time around. and after this ricky poiting will be dropped as captain and he'll probably never play again.
2. South Africa: well the tag 'chokers' is not a mistake really. it's happened always and this time around it's bound to happen again. it's a question of when they are going to choke. i think they'll sail through the group stages and beat India as well and top the group. however they are going to end up facing australia or pakistan in the next round and then they will implode handing them an exit in the quarters or semi's
3. England: if they manage to get though to round 2, KP will fire esp if they play the aussies and then they will lose in the semi's. they have to be one of the most overrated teams in the world at the moment. and their performance against the netherlands proves this point.
4. Sri Lanka: the only real team i think thats superbly balanced and you would be an idiot to think that they wouldn't win the whole thing. sanga and mahela will be the men to watch out for.
5. Pakistan: your guess is as gud as anybody else's. the most talented team in the world but they are just so confused and troubled at all times it's like if the pakistan team has no problems you'll know that there is an imbalance in the world.
6. India: well objectively speaking, we won't win this cup. it's as gud a chance as we'll ever have but still we might end up losing in the semi's or finals. dhoni is a coolest captain around but with sreeshant in the team he's going to screw it up like zaheer screwed it up in 2003.   

so what can we look forward to from the meda?

1. Crappy songs meant to motivate the team. every noticed how badly we do in WC's when anybody makes a song for India? i'm sure they didn't do it in 1983 and we won. they didn't do it when we won the T20 world cup coz no one really thought we would win, but guess what we won. so DO NOT COMPOSE A SONG YOU IDIOTS!!!
2. Rajdeep sardesai screaming on TV about cricket. Arnab interviewing someone about how india won/lost a match and then just talk till you want to throw something at him.
3. A new 'special program' named something like 'field of dreams' launched buy CNN-IBN during the knockout stages of the competition.
4. A stupid 'sting' operation by some news channel exposing how players went drinking the night before a match.
5. offers for tv's, video players and any possible thing you can think of.
6. new zoo zoo adverts thats going to annoy the crap out of you. (move on vodafone, we are fed up of it)
7. advertising between the overs will be so gud that you'll miss the first ball of the next over
8. horrible commentary from sanjay manjarekar, ravi shastri and the likes with incessent talking about useless things.
9. interview with kapil dev on all channels if india reaches the final
10. tarrot cards, fortune tellers and all the other voodoo you can think of where ppl are paid to say that india and sachin will do well before evey match.

well this is going to be a fantastic extravaganza can't wait for it to end the IPL to begin. GO INDI COMMANDOS :P

Disguised Employment

Most people will know what disguised employment is. when u travel around in india you see the most retarded jobs. here are a few of them that i've noticed

1. Guy to push the button of an 'AUTOMATIC PARKING TICKET' dispenser machine: I mean how difficult is it for a person to drive up close enough to one of these machines put their glass down and push a button. we don't need someone to do this for us. trust me..
2. Lift Guy: unless you'r in a building with more than 50 floors i don't think anyone needs another person to press the button of the lift for them. if there are more than 50 floors then yeah maybe incase you are a visitor and don't know which floor what office is. Actually you ought to have read that information before you got on the lift. so no guy pushing the lift button
3. Guy sitting outside lift pushing the button: I've only seen this job in a couple of places, they have a guy who looks at people approaching the lift and pushes a button so that the lift is on the way by the time people arrive near it. it sounds convenient but i don't think it's needed
4. 'Cleaner" travelling in the bus: i've seen this only in kerala, they have a person who is supposed to clean the bus, travel in it and just ring the bell so that the bus driver can start moving just before you've gotten on or gotten off the bus.
5. Security Guard at ATM Machine: Why do we need this guy? have a place that's got a CCTV, a card open-able door that works and you don't need a security guard. they sleep through the night anyway.
6. The guy to Stamps your bill as you leave a supermarket: i mean you've paid for the things, they put it in a bag and now you need someone to stamp the bill? for what joy?
7. Person handing over tissues in the bathroom in 5 star hotels:  again why do you need these things?? people don't need anyone handing them tissues!!!

These are a few jobs i remember that make no sense to me. these are jobs that people who probably have no qualifications end up doing. i have a whole list of useless jobs being done by well educated highly paid people. i think i'll save that for later

God's soon going to leave this country

I was in cochin, kerala a few days back and I must say I was really looking forward to it. It had been a while since I had been home and I was waiting to go see my family. When I reached cochin I was shocked at how little the place has changed. Some might say that it’s a good thing but sadly I don’t think a single person in cochin will agree with me.

The roads:

The roads in kerala were never known to be the best in the country but none the less the roads were decent and motor able. The national highway 47 after they widened it was the pride and joy of the people. The roads were wide and pothole free. Now sadly 15 years since the roads have remained the same width, you have signals that either work and cause a traffic jam, or fail and cause a traffic jam. The number of cars, bikes and the horrible buses have increased 3-4 fold and this means there is always traffic on the road. There are ‘U’ turns provided at every point a house/shop owner paid the PWD so the divider is pointless. And the latest safety device that they have introduced near there turns is something of a gate that blocks one lane of traffic so that the whole national highway is brought down to single file at intervals. And of course the cops have sold advertising space on these gates, and this is largely jewellery or saree shops. And all this is the national highway. The city roads have not become any wider in my memory and they are as horrible as ever with each street getting narrower and more and more unruly buses on the road.

The Airport

The old cochin airport was just one notch above being a glorified shack. And the new airport when it started was a path-breaker of sorts in India. It was one of the first public private partnership airports in the country. Kerala seemed to be headed in the right direction. It was a greenfield airport outside the heart of the city and all these were strange concepts in those days. The infrastructure of the airport was state-of-art for the time but has remained the same. Confusion and chaos regin supreame as passengers and clueless ground and airport staff try and cram the correct people into the correct planes. The security personnel don’t know a single word of Malayalam or English and a large majority of passengers don’t know to speak hindi. This results in a situation where you end up standing in the security area for 10-20 mins.

Infrastructure

The infrastructure of the city and the state is in shambles, a 1 km flyover will take a minimum of 5 years to build. The biggest single problem in the state is the labour unions. It’s a curse on the state that needs to be wiped out. It’s unfortunate to see that the youth wings of these unions are still strong and against progress.

Whilst the whole country moved forward kerala remained still, while the country continues to move forward, kerala unfortunately seems to be moving backward. I don’t think I will be wrong in saying that the state is worse of today than what it was 5 years ago. Looking forward to a change soon. Elections are coming up in a few months. Please vote for progress and not for protests/strikes and bandhs.  

Taste your Food

What is it with some people and ketchup?

I hate it when i go to a restaurant with people, there is always this one guy/girl who has to put in all the sauces into their bowl of soup. i mean the least you can do is taste the damn thing first. most indians irrespective of how much they have studied or traveled can only taste one thing in their food, their palette consists of one flavor and  that is SPICY!!! every complaint about european cuisine by an indian is that 'the food is not spicy' i have one question. do u idiots know about any other flavor? there is so much more complexity/simplicity to food.

Here is a list of simple food that tastes really really gud. DO NOT ADD ANYTHING TO THESE

• A good steak tenderloin with just salt and pepper
• Boiled pasta with olive oil, tuna, oregano, thyme and a lil Parmesan cheese. 
• a simple sweet corn chicken soup. (try it without the chilli vinegar please)

the next time you go to a restaurant or even if you eat anything. please taste the food first before you add anything not needed to it.

The past 12 months

It's been one year to the day since i left deloitte. and all i can say is that it's been a roller coaster of a year. i've gone from wanting to start a restaurant in the for the first 5 months to then taking up a job where i did the same thing that i didn't want to do anymore, and now doing something that i've not even studied or would have ever dreamed of doing and it's all been for the better.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans … to give you a future and a hope … You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest.” Jeremiah 29:11, 13 

Cancelled

We all have friend who cancel plans. Not to be sexist but 99% of the time they tend to be women, the remaining 1% would be feminine guys :-) the best part is that it's always the same excuse:

• oh i forgot (makes you feel so special)
• you call up coz everyone is waiting for them to arrive to get into the theater and when they answer the phone they sound sleepy and say. 'sorry ya, can't make it, not keeping well'
• I forgot that i make plans earlier with some other friends. (this is my personal favorite)

So guys i have a list of steps/solutions so that you're never caught in this situation again:

1. Give the person a maximum of 2 chances, if they cancel the 2nd time, know that it is a problem.
2. Always make an alternative plan and stick to that plan. the 'canceller' will never even know
3. now incase you've made an alternative and for some reason 'canceller' does not cancel, then just tell them that YOU have other plans. (teach them a lesson)

the best plans happen on the spot. so next time you and your friends decide to plan a trip/movie/dinner that is more than 1 week in the future. rest assured at it's not going to happen!!!!

Quotes

In the company that I work in now, someone from HR sends everyone an inspirational quote everyday first thing in the morning (how cool is that!!!!) so this post is a sample of the best of them over the last 3-4 months and my thoughts on the quote.

Knowledge is a process of piling up facts (Copy as many things as you can from google) Wisdom lies in their simplification(remove alternate sentences so that people don’t think you’ve copied the whole thing)

A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug. Unless of course the drug is really really gud, then the positive mental attitude is not needed.

Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending. You might be feeling good because it’s your first day at work, but wait till you put in your papers, you’ll be ecstatic.

Problems are only opportunities with thorns on them. If we screw you over don’t worry, look at it as an opportunity to find another job.

Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about. If you’re planning to give up smoking and you can’t stop thinking about it, it’s not worth giving it up.

You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself be. If your life sucks, IT’S YOUR FAULT!!!

Your problem is never really your problem; your reaction to your problem is your problem. WHAT!!! If my problem is not my problem, is my problem your problem?

There Is No Next Time, No Time Outs, No Second Chances, Sometimes It's Now Or Never. You screw up, your outta here.

Meanings are not determined by situations, but we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations. Always I repeat ALWAYS look for an alternative meaning.

Set your goals high enough to inspire you and low enough to encourage you. Always tread the mediocre path, don’t aim high because you will FAIL!!!

The distance between your dreams and reality is a problem; if you get rid of the problem then your dreams become reality.If you really want that Ferrari, money is the problem, so if you get rid of the money, you should get the Ferrari. Correct? WRONG!!!

Success makes life easier. It doesn't make living easier. Isn’t life all about living? I don’t get it…

Failures do what is tension relieving, while winners do what is goal achieving. If you want to get rid of your tensions then you are a failure, however if you do something that is goal achieving then you are a winner with tensions. How cool is that??

Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking. All you people do dig you nose (you know who are) if you do that when no one is looking, that means you are inquisitive.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down. So if you are mean to people on your way up, then you don’t have to bother because you are not coming down. This makes sense; the world seems to work this way somehow.

So these quotes that are sent daily are supposed to keep up motivated n all but frankly I don’t even read it most of the time. But if I were the HR I would send people a joke instead. Or if they are interested I could sent everyone a quote I make up every day. Some examples

‘Don’t fret because today is Monday, it’s the first day in the week where you could find yourself another job’

‘Happy Friday, look forward to the weekend ahead, but at the back of your mind know that you will be back here come Monday’

‘The path to success is filled with obstacles along the way, the best way is not to avoid them; backstabbing and plotting against them will help accelerate you to the top’

‘The person sitting to the left of you and to the right of you are competing for your job, your promotion, your salary, your bonus...kill or be killed’

‘Teamwork is a concept coined by someone who didn’t know how to get things done himself.’

‘Success comes in many forms, for some it means a promotion, for others it means a new job, but for you it could just mean getting through this day’

Bus Torture

Following my post on typical train journeys in India, I thought I’d tackle another mode of transport used by most of us. I’m talking about the big red machine or simply the bus. I have to confess that outside Bombay (I’m certain that the MNS does not read this, and it’s still called Bombay) I haven’t used the bus a lot. More recently I’ve used the bus not for short journeys but for long journeys.
The local buses (within the city) in most cities have something unique about. I know I haven’t travelled all over India to comment on buses in all cities but I have a few observations I’ve made about buses in a few places.

Chennai
• The buses are almost never washed; I think they started out being either white or blue but are now off-white or brown.
• All the buses tilt towards the left rear, and this is true when there are people hanging out of them as well as when they are empty.
• The ticket checker walks around with all the change in the world but refuses to give you any.

Bangalore
• There are buses in Bangalore? (I know that’s what you all were thinking)
• Most buses seem to have Big 10 written on them, I don’t know if that means that they have only 10 buses or they go only to 10 places, either way the coverage stinks
• The first place in India that I saw Volvo buses used for intra-city transport, very cool.

Cochin
• I’m the lucky few survivors of the bus ride. Horrible drives who would probably be more suited to a race track.
• There is no bus schedule, it’s either that they ply on all routes at all times, or they are on strike. Well what else do you expect in Kerala
• People are like cannon fodder for them, they run over people and bikers and count frags (sorry for the UT references)
• The ticket checker pulls the bell before a person has even got off the bus.
• The whole bus always smells of coconut oil
• Men are invariably scratching themselves through the lungi
• The ticket checker seems to snake his way through the bus through gaps in the crowd that you and I could never see
• Since the buses compete against each other for passengers there is always a race going at at every corner.

Bombay
• The cleanest buses in the country
• The windows leak when it rains. (I know people in cochin, we don’t even have windows on the bus, when it rains, just pull down that torn brown sheet)
• There is always a middle age couple trying to spice up their married/extra marital life buy trying to feel each other up on the last and second last seats of the AC bus. There is also always the college couple who are doing the same thing. And there are a bunch of people trying to control their laughter coz although the couples think no one sees them, everybody does.
• The tickets seem to contain a cryptic code that no one understands, and I don’t think you’re supposed to either, all the conductor does is, punch a hole at random though an random number.

Well these 4 cities aren’t really a reflection for a country, or for a region for that matter. These 4 cities are the extent of travels. Although I stay in Hyderabad now, I’m yet to step into a bus here and once I have a firsthand experience I’ll be sure to update this post.


On a side note, I made a trip to Bangalore recently and booked tickets on one of those semi-sleeper Volvo buses. WROST EXPERIENCE EVER!!!
• The guy sitting next to me was drunk and stinking of alcohol
• He was sweating and had one arm raised all the time so that the whole bus (esp me) could smell his arm pits (YUCK!!!)
• There were 2 couples with babies who just wouldn’t stop crying
• There was the telegu movie going on at full volume, I tried increasing the volume of my ipod to no avail.
• After the movie when people were asleep there was the unholy crescendo or snoring! By this time my ipod battery was dead and so was I

Lyrically Challenged

When I listen to a song on TV, radio or whatever medium, the first time I listen to it and continue listening to it will probably be because of the music, the rhythm etc. But then the second time around I listen to the lyrics, I don’t know if that’s strange but it’s the lyrics are the essence of the song and if the lyrics are bad, well then the song should for all purposes, be as bad. But I’ve noticed that over the years I’ve built up a library of songs that I listen to with down-right horrible lyrics. I mean you really wonder what these people were smoking or drinking or thinking or if they were doing all the mentioned activities when they wrote the song. These are songs that are not horrible songs, they are songs that are nice to listen to but make no sense if you listen to the lyrics. Or as I like to say musically brilliant but lyrically challenged. Here are a few examples

Human – The Killers

It starts of well, but when it reaches the chorus you hear these words,

“Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?

What the hell is this supposed to mean, are we human or are we dancer. This guy certainly did not know what he wanted to write. And he’s rather desperate to know if he’s human or dancer. Idiot!!!

I Shot the Sherriff – Bob Marley

“I shot the Sheriff, but I didn’t shoot no deputy”

Who cares??? You’re still going to jail fool!!!

Smooth Operator - Sade

“From coast to coast, LA to Chicago’

Really? That’s coast to coast? What map are you using woman? Then again, women and directions; Living up to the stereotype. Excellent!!!

Careless Whisper - Wham

"I'm never gonna Dance again,
Guilty feet have Got no rhythm"

Well I think George Michael will tell you there were hell of a lot more guilty things about him than this FEET!!!

I would do anything For Love – Meatloaf

“I would do anything for love,
But I won't do that”

Well since this post is about making fun of the lyric, I’m ignoring the band name. Anyway, he says he would do anything, but not ‘that’. Well either this is a brilliantly written coz it’s got a disclaimer clause, or it’s just stupid.

Yellow - Coldplay

"I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow"

I promised myself I wouldn’t bring a Coldplay song to this list but this asked for it. An entire song about a Yellow line, what else can I say but, BRILLIANT!!!

Jack and Diane – John Mellancamp

"Suckin' on a chili dog
Outside the Tasty Freeze"

I’m ignoring the whole gay vibe of the lyric, and going to, who in their right mind sucks on a chili dog?

Disease – Matchbox 20

“You taste like honey, honey

Tell me can I be your honey”    

I like this song, but this lyric, it makes no sense. So let me get this, she tastes like honey, and he calls her honey, and he wants to be her honey, so wouldn’t that mean he wants to be a woman then? Maybe that was his disease to begin with. Woman trapped in a man’s body. That’s my conclusion anyway.

Honky Tonk Woman – Rolling Stone

“She blew my nose, and then she blew my mind”

This is just too easy so I’m not commenting,

Tubthumping – Chumbawamba

“Pissing the night away, Pissing the night away”

The whole song is bull shit, but this lyric just pushed it over the edge for me.

Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice

"To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal

Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle"

 Yeah, I know, too easy again, but what sense does this make? I could have picked any line from this song really but just thought I just chose these two.

These songs give us an insight into a true depth (or lack there off) of the artist or not. The important criteria I used when I chose these songs were that they were nice to listen to. I’m not even considering (c)rap music.   

Letters.....

Till the popularity of emails we wrote letters, well at least I did anyway. Staying in a boarding school, the letter was the way to contact your parents, to let them know what was happening with you. I know there were telephones but then again they were expensive. I remember that I used to send a letter to my parents every week, it almost detailed what I did everyday. Well we were forced to write letters every week. Now when I look back at the stuff I wrote (my mom’s saved a greatest hit’s collection of letters I wrote and I came across it recently) I realized how I as a person grew up and what things were important to me at different points during those 5-6 years.

The first time I wrote a letter to my parents was when I was in the 3rd standard, it must have been a week or so after I joined boarding in Ooty, I can’t honestly remember what I wrote but I do remember the process, there were about 10 kids in the boarding school and we all sat together along with ‘Aunty’ (she was the person that ran the school) and discussed what we did during the week. Each person had to contribute something to the discussion, some ‘event’ that we were letting our parents know. It’s strange when I look at it now, we all discussed what we were going to write to our parents and the sat down to write the letter, I don’t know anyone that would do something like that today. Also after writing the letter we had to read it aloud and then hand it in for correction. So basically all in all 10-15 people knew what you wrote to your parents. What I found hilarious was the stuff that was written in each letter was always the same,
•       The weather was always ‘tricky’
•       The dog was always happy (I hated the damn thing)
•       Everyone else was enjoying themselves
•       And most of all you were always a picture of health

So clearly the lie’s started at an early age. :-)


Maybe a few years later the letters asked about people at home, answered questions that your parents asked you when they wrote to you and it became more of a dialogue. I saw letters where I’ve drawn a picture to fill the gap, I’ve drawn a maze or connect the dots for my brother or sister to solve or even at times, I wrote a rhyme. (the last bit was an attempt at another one)

Later on when I was unhappy in the boarding, I used to write 2 letters, one official which was read by the housemaster for some strange reason (talk about invasion of privacy) and another which I posted myself on my way to church. Those were the most fun letters, I expressed my displeasure about being in the hostel and once I even threatened to run away from the hostel if my parents didn’t come to see me the next weekend (it worked). I complained about everything, the food, the classes, the housemaster and every single thing imaginable. When I look at those letters now, it seems like I was in a concentration camp.

Now when I read those letters one thing I realize is that, my handwriting was better as a 10 year old and that I do miss hand writing letters and receiving hand written letters. Email is convenient but it just seems impersonal.

Lessons from South Africa 2010

So this Sunday is the big world cup final, over the last 5 weeks I’ve heard people who haven’t spoken about football before talking about how a 4-4-2 formation is obsolete and how the 3-3-4 ‘diamond’ formation is where world football is headed (I agreed with them coz I don’t really care what formation is being played as long as the football is good). I’m looking for the world cup to end so that these people who claim to know everything about football can finally resume their lives and discuss more trivial matters like what is left to watch on tv (btw this is a genuine concern).

Now taking a cue from these ‘armchair pundits’ (it’s a phrase coined by someone who writes for yahoo, I did not come up with that, although I’d like to think I did) I’m going to list out all what I’ve learnt from this world cup.

·        The England football team is worse than the Indian cricket team when it comes to putting the country’s interest ahead of self.

·         Wayne Rooney is an arrogant lil prick who needs to learn that he’s not god’s gift to football.

·         The French soccer team should have not been ‘hand’ed qualification, Ireland would have been more entertaining.

·         It would have been fun to see the old hags of the Italian team face off against the Germans; it would have been like one of those matches where the parents play against their children and get whipped.

·          Brazil apparently did not play ‘beautiful’ football anymore, they tried to play like the old German teams (so I hear), as far as I know, kaka played like kaka and the kaka hit the fan as far as they were concerned

·         By Germany beating Argentina, they potentially ensured that over 50 million ppl who watch the final don’t see a short fat man running naked and go blind.

·         Netherlands have dived and fouled their way to the final, they surely cannot win the damn thing now, can they?

·         Spain have just scored enough goals to ensure they’ve reached the final, I don’t understand what happened to the flair and all that jazz ppl were talking about, they seem to play more like a machine. (that’s my expert opinion)

·         Ghana was brutally knocked out, but I say kudos to the guy who handled the ball, it was sheer presence of mind.

·         I’m sad to see that Paraguay did not win for all so different reasons ;-)

·         NDTV and IBN invited experts who probably have only watched football all their lives and are no authority to talk on the game. They just sounded like idiots, esp that bald guy, wanted to just throw something at him.

·         ESPNStar had John Dykes and that chick who hosted the ICL hosting the pre and post match shows, simple rating, John dykes A+ for the football knowledge and being entertaining, the random chick C+ for effort but still managing to sound like she was reading from a script. And the Malaysian guy, SHUT IT BITCH!!!

·          Facebook status msg’s revolved around football, some ppl expressed opinions and others just love to comment and talk nonsensical crap.

·         Frank Lampard will be having dreams about a cross-bar for the rest of his life, or atleast till the next time he manages to score a goal. He has also sent a letter to the make a wish foundation stating that before he dies he would like football goal posts to be higher, and that he could kill the linesman from that match.

·         A 20 year old Thomas Muller showed the world how to score goals, and showed England and Argentina how slow their defensive players were.

·         And FIFA successfully managed to change the lives of 20-30 blonde Dutch women, for looking HOT!!!

·         Uruguay was the surprise of the tournament, they were the perennial underdogs but they have played brilliant football.

·         Only a fool would bet against Germany not doing well in 2014, over 90% of the same players are expected to play in 4 yrs time. And I think their average age will still be less than the Italian team that they sent this year.

·         The whole world waited with abated breath for what Paul the octopus had to say, the poor creature is probably going to become soup (literally) if he picks Uruguay over Germany in the third place play-off.

·         Fabio Cappello clearly needs to learn to speak English; it just seems that the players didn’t understand what he was saying.

·         Diego Maradona now has to decide what he’s going to do when messi goes back to spain, who will he hug?

·         The ‘Nike’ curse struck again, Ronaldo – came, saw, dribbled, FAILED!!! Rooney- came, saw, ran and then just kept running all the way home, and Ronaldhnio didn’t even get picked!!!

·         The English team got robbed, had a fan come into the dressing room, and drew a game with Algeria and the US. They also came in second in the worst group of the world cup coz no one from the group went beyond the first knockout stage.

·         Klose has not yet managed to break the record for world cup goals, has one more shot at it though on Saturday.

·         Twitter must have crashed at least once during every game.

·         All the closet non football fans can return knowing that the next time they are out with friends no one is really going to talk abt football anymore (well at least till the EPL starts)

·         The football stadiums are absolutely magnificent and just hope that they are kept that way

·         The vuvezela’s were and the jabulani were the most controversial things this world cup.

·         It’s going to weird but nice to watch a football match without bees buzzing all the time.

To conclude, I have a confession to make, I’ve watched 2 complete matches and in both Germany scored 4 goals and made the opposing team look like fools. My opinions about all other games are based on stuff I’ve read, heard, made up and probably dreamt….

Generate This!!!

I’m bored yet again (seem to be happening very often) and I was searching the net for possible blog topics. I came across a blog topic generator. It’s really hit and miss if you ask me, some of the ideas are good the others……. well let’s just say if I wrote about some of those I would lose my 1 remaining reader. Anyway here are some of the topics that the ‘generator’ generated and my ‘micro-blog’ on each of them

•  Reasons to move in with someone: to split the rent. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, no one likes you enough to want you to move in with them, they just want to spilt the rent that’s all.
• World's top 5 smartest people: well my guess would be, Bill Gates (named the company after his penis and became rich), Steve Jobs (designed the company logo looking at the piece of fruit bill gates left during their breakup, and became rich), Hugh Heffner (for realizing that sex actually sells and letting the whole world know this ‘secret’), Thomas Edison (when he had an idea, the light bulb did actually turn on) and finally Albert Einstein (he proved that people with bad hair can be smart)
• Cats or dogs? Neither!!! one licks itself and the other licks it’s ass and then licks you. DISGUSTING!!!
• Stress management: Not needed if you know how to do the work your supposed to do.
• Using public restrooms: HOLD YOUR BREATH!!!
• Famous German generals of WWII: Adolf Hitler, don’t care about any of ze otzer German Generals (unless  Schindler was one?)
• Cheating on tests: wrong when others do it, okay when I do it
• Religious journalists: wanted to work for a paper that spoke ‘the truth’
• Places to visit in Russia: the building that looks like a Disney palace. I think is called the Kermit (after the frog on Sesame Street, how cool is that :P)
• Eukaryotic organisms: WTF??
• Why the need for nations and boundaries? So that trespassing is dangerous.
• The secret life of Benjamin Franklin: how would I know? It’s a secret!!!!  
• Religion in China: i wouldn't know. it's all censored         
• The worst ways to die: being buried in elephant dung…. (there are a lot worse I’m sure, but don’t want to stretch my imagination)         
• Space-based solar power: since the sun is in space, isn’t all solar power space based?         
• Quantum mechanics: sounds cool and I’d like to know what it is, but I don’t         
• The dirty habits: digging your nose has to be the worst habit ever, but even worse is when the newly crowned world no 1, takes his underwear out of his ass between points during a tennis match. WTF will the queen think when she seems him up to his antics in couple of week’s time at Wimbledon. Think of the HORROR!!!         
• Anatomy of a water molecule: H₂0 that’s all there is to it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise         
• Cutting people in line:  never do it, but whenever I try, I end up getting yelled at. But yeah it’s annoying
• Philosophy of religion: crowd management         
• Cricket records: too many to care about, and people make too many up as they go along. Fastest 50 in ODI’s where over 80% of runs scored on the leg side. (WTF!!!)         
• Your ever-changing goal in life: well if I achieved my first goal it would have never changed. I wanted to be superman, heat vision, bullet proof, could fly, x-ray vision ;-) Louis Lane. Life would have been so much simpler         
• Sequencing amino acids: easy…sounds like I could do it in my sleep         
• Frequency of brushing your teeth: once a day in the morning. Twice is ‘two’ much         
• Cellphones or landlines? Landlines…no cellphones…no landlines…no cellphones         
• Rings of Uranus: hahaha!!! How can anyone talk abt the rings of their anus, that’s just too disgusting
• Ways to attract people to party’s: there are only 2 ways to attract people to a party, 1. Booze  and 2. Women         
• How you define 'normal': ME, I am normal. If anyone begs to differ they are not normal
• How to play the recorder: there is a button on it called play, it’s usually next to the stop button
• Proper times to study: 3-4 hrs before the paper, depending on how much you want to score
• PC vs. MAC: that’s easy, PC. People who say MAC just want to be different and are full of themselves
• Aspects of mental health: a concept lost to far too many people
• People who don't wake up early: probably work in a call centre
• PS1 or N64? N64 still the best…I’ll beat anyone that says otherwise. Unless you gift me the new xbox that released yesterday, purely for research purposes only.
• Is flossing necessary? Yes, esp if you want your gums to bleed
• Old movies that rock: Flint-stones?
• Measures or bars? PUBS!!!!
• Your favorite Christmas: it’s not happened yet, waiting for the day santa gets me a Ferrari, he’s been very cheap the last 25 years
• Anorexia: a ‘disorder’ fat people invented because they were jealous
• Things you regret: the previous two statements
• Writing your own music: I’m saving the world by not doing so
• How to write a resume: if I did, I probably would have a job that allows me enough time to write 2 blogs entries a week. or i really know to write a resume well that i have a job that allows me time to wrote 2 blog entries a well.         
• History or math? Neither         
• Seeing X rated movies? There are only 3 of them are? I’ve only seen X1, X2, X3. Are there any more??         
• The S-process: what does S stand for? Suicide? Sex? Scandal?
• Getting a new phone: more expensive every time         
• Things you wish you had: a Ferrari F340, (Santa are you reading this? I promise to be good)         
• George Lucas: Thank you for bringing us the concept of light sabers         
• Changing from major to minor: it’s a bad thing. It’s like a demotion, but more embarrassing         
• Late American Jazz: it’s dead, that’s why they call it ‘Late’.         
• What would you do with a million dollars? Not let Bernie Made-off (with it) anywhere close         
• The picture that has the most affect on you? My credit card statement

My worst Subject

Everyone has a worst subject in school. i don't know if it's just me but i had a few worst subjects in school. i wasn't a bad student, i was an average one although my parents and teachers insisted that i have 'more potential' and i needed to work harder. in my opinion my worst subject had to be Hindi. For some reason, probably the lack of effort, i could never get my head around the language, not that the situation has improved now but still i think it is a lot better than what it was at school.

It's in the 8th standard i think is when you have to choose which language you want to take as your 2nd language, i chose hindi mostly because i had no other option. i got kicked out of the french class coz the only thing i wrote for the qualification test was "omelette du fromage" thanks to an episode of Dexter's Lab i watched the day before. so i took up hindi and scraped through the 8th standard by sheer luck, gods grace, parents prayers, my hindi teacher feeling sorry for me, whatever the reason i went into 9th my dream still alive of writing my board exams in the 10th with hindi as my second language. a year later at the end of my 9th standard we had a farewell party in school for our seniors and my hindi teacher called me aside told me that i had got single digit marks for my final exam (it was on 100!!!) but on the positive side she assured me that i could make it up by doing a re-exam.

i went back home depressed but not entirely surprised, and decided that in the next 3-4 days before my re-exam i would study and atleast pass (i had no delusions that i thought i could max the paper, even my dreams were realistic). i had a tuition teacher who was a BA student in some college, so he came home i told him about the re-exam and both of us mutually decided that it was impossible that any of the questions that came in the previous paper would be repeated so he made me study everything else (and i did :P). Exam day super confident i walk into school and i wrote the exam sitting in the staff room since i was the only one doing the test again. the answer booklet and question paper were both kept facedown i sat down turned the question paper over and.....i couldn't believe it...seriously!!!....no it can't be.....i just sank in my chair....it was the same paper as the last time around.  so what do i do, well at least i studied one of the essay's from the previous papers, 'Mera Barath Mahan' (ps. i would love to read that essay now) anyway, i attempted more than the last time around, more grammar sections n all and i thought i did a pretty decent job. i finished my paper walked out confident that i might have just managed to pull it off, and returned home.

it used to take me about an hour to get back home, once i got home my mom asked me how the paper was and i gave her my standard reply, 'it was okay', follow up question "will you pass?" , "i should". before i could finish came her reply, " well you didn't, i just got a call from school, the good thing is you've doubled your marks from the last time around" mentally i thought to myself that it meant that my marks were in double digits. once my dad reached back it was the double "we're so disappointed in you" looks. next day i went to the Principal's office with my parents and i had to sign a letter saying that if i didn't pass the first exam of hindi in the 10th standard i would be demoted back to the 9th. (i was happy the letter was not in hindi) so narrow escape and i started my 10th standard and in my mind i wanted to prove everyone wrong and do really well in hindi. well it finally happened i got a new tuition teacher (DUH!!!, it was his fault. :P) this new guy was strict, was old and he just kept screaming hindi into my ears, well it worked never failed in hindi after that. after writing my board exams i took my hindi books and went to the terrace and pured kerosene on the books and burnt it. i was overjoyed, no more hindi...EVER!!!!....NOT..

fast forward 2 years, i joined college in bombay and guess what...hindi was a compulsory paper, i attended the first lecture and it was like i had seen a ghost, 3 books of hindi, 1 filled with poems, 1 with short stories, and 1 was a novel. during the 2nd lecture i was even more stumped when the teacher read the first paragraph of a poem and gave the explanation in hindi, i was probably waiting for the subtitles to turn on in my head. i understood NOTHING...but we had a very strict attendance policy so i ensured i met the minimum requirement, didn't understand anything, maybe bits and pieces of poems and when some kind soul explained a short story to me in english. few months later exam time...

at the point i reached the examination hall i was not tense, nervous or anything, i just went into the hall, on the answer booklet one instruction just stood out, "Students are required to be in the examination hall for the first 30 minutes". i was happy, i wouldn't have to sit for the whole 2 hrs. i got the question paper i answered whatever questions i understood and 30 min's later a bell rang, i looked to the side a friend of mine also seemed to be done with his paper, just nodded and both of us walked out. once we were out of the exam hall slowly i could see the rest of my class walking out at 5 min intervals. i was happy, although i was the first person to walk out, i wasn't the only one. there was this one guy in our group who managed to carry entire pages of his book into the exam hall and he was busy copying (cheater cheater pumpkin eater) for 2 hrs.

after our holidays we got our marks, i got 5 on 50, (not bad for 30 mins) and i had the chance to make it up in the second term, wondering how much the guy who copied got?? he got 4...yes FOUR!!!

p.s. i eventually cleared the paper in my second year with no drama, i got the exact required pass mark, it's obvious my teacher felt sorry for the poor south indian boy who didn't know any hindi. :-)